Once a Cheater…
The latest political scandal to hit the news is John Edwards’s affair with Reille Hunter. I’ve seen the news. I’ve read the papers. I’ve flipped through the People Magazine article about it. And I’m left with questions.
- Will politicians [or actors, for that matter–Balthazar Getty–hello?] ever learn from the mistakes of those that came before them? You WILL be caught! The story WILL get out. So keep your pants zipped, for crying out loud. [And women who are getting busy with married men, BACK OFF!]
- How is it that John Edwards’s political career is over [“Politically, he’s finished. It’s too distasteful”]? Bill Clinton’s image managed to recover. So did Rudy Guiliani’s. True, Edwards has the added distastefulness of cheating on his cancer-ridden wife, but the American public, as a whole, doesn’t seem to hold adulterers in ill-esteem for very long. Shame on us.
- I read that Edwards and Reille broke up, got back together, broke up, got back together. Is the man sorry and ashamed because he was caught by the media, or has he truly gotten over his feeling of being “special and…increasingly egocentric”?
- I understand what Elizabeth Edwards has tried to do by staying with him for the sake of her children. But Edwards saying that his cheating happened when Elizabeth was in remission does not excuse it in any way. Does that somehow excuse it or make it not as bad? I think it’s a crappy rationalization. I had to ask myself what I would do if I were in Elizabeth’s situation and I can’t say for certain. I don’t think I could forgive, but I also haven’t walked in her shoes. Did she do the right thing by standing by him or is it martyrdom? Are her children better off? At what point is a man held accountable without the strong woman behind him holding him up and picking up the pieces?
Question of the Day: All of the above!
August 18th, 2008
Misa 
in
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August 18th, 2008 at 8:48 am
I’ve got a question too. How is it such a big deal that Edwards had an affair, when no one talks about the fact that McCain cheated on his first wife? And don’t blame it on the old news fact. Edwards isn’t a presidential candidate, McCain is.
August 18th, 2008 at 9:54 am
I was very disappointed when I heard about Edwards affair. But it just proves men are weak…They had lost a child in a accident, John was a very public figure, she had cancer, for all those reasons, I would have stayed, but blackmailed the hell out of him (in the form I’d spill the dirt myself and ruin him) to keep is pants zipped for the kids.
My first marriage failed because of the other woman. My now ex-husband after six months of seperation wanted to come home. I was struggling with three kids, I needed him home. Emotionally I was devastated, financially ruined, and my life in general was coming apart at the seams, but I said no. It would have been easier to say yes, come home. It might have (for the moment) been better for the kids, but I said no and divorced him. I never looked back. When my ex says he got out of the marriage with only the shirt on his back, he’s not kidding. That is all he got. I turned the tables and went after him with everything I could, and twenty years later he still is paying. I got half his retirement.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:05 am
Way to go Lee. When my first husband got caught cheating, I walked away with the clothes on my back and nothing else. When accused, he got very abusive and I felt it better to start over than take a chance with my life. I have never been sorry. I feel bad for John’s wife. She was in a bad position, but I feel she made the wrong choice. Once a cheater, always a cheater. Staying together for the children sends the wrong message to those children, that it’s okay to break your marriage vows. That is so sad . It is easy to understand the high divorce rate with the examples our leaders are setting for the young people today. Have a great day and hugs to all.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:10 am
I didn’t get a chance to post yesterday. I have been a Jodie Foster fan since I saw her in “Nell”. That movie was filmed about 20 miles from my home and Jodie was seen quite often in our town. So sweet and friendly. A real joy to meet.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:30 am
Elianara, I didn’t know that about McCain! Is he married to the other woman? It’s epidemic.
August 18th, 2008 at 10:33 am
I agree that staying with a cheating spouse for the sake of the kids sends the wrong message. It’s akin to staying in an abusive marriage for the sake of the kids. What’s being modeled? What are the children learning?
August 18th, 2008 at 10:34 am
Oh, and Fannie, so good to know that Jodie Foster is a sweet person. I love it when actors behave like good, real people. Good for you for getting out of that abusive marriage. That inner strength that both you and Lee have is so admirable.
August 18th, 2008 at 11:49 am
I have two friends who’ve been in affairs. One was a mother of twins who cheated on her husband with another (single) man. The other was a single woman who had a long-standing relationship with a married man. I hated seeing them in that position. I worried about them. I didn’t want them to get hurt or get sick. In the case of the former, I worried about her children, how they would feel if they found out. Would they think she cheated on them, too?
I don’t condone their actions, but I can’t condemn them, either. Because I love these women for who they are, I can’t find it in my heart to hate them for what they’ve done. If I did, it wouldn’t say a whole lot about me as a friend, would it?
I think sometimes these things go deeper than what we see on the outside. It’s easy to point fingers at either party. He did it because he’s a slimeball. She did it because she’s a homewrecking slut. There are times when those labels do apply, but not always. For every man or woman who chooses to entangle his or her self in these types of extracurricular relationships, there are an equal number of reasons why. Reasons that can’t be boiled down to something as simple as “because s/he’s a bad or selfish person.”
When animals aren’t getting what they need out of a diet, they seek it elsewhere. Dogs start eating cigarette butts and ashes out of ashtrays. Cats chew on grass or baskets or brooms. People aren’t that different. Humans, like other animals, when their bodies aren’t being properly nourished, will instinctively try to get it. Anyone who’s ever gone to the grocery store and realized later they spent $60 on chocolate and peanut butter and Tampax knows what I’m talking about.
Maybe the same thing happens on the inside–mentally, emotionally, even spiritually. Maybe what it comes down to is that both parties in these dead-end relationships are getting something they didn’t know they needed. Like passion. Empathy. Affection. Communication. Solace. Revenge. Domination or submission. (Note: I’m not talking about BDSM, here. I’m talking about someone who has no control finally getting to make some decisions of her own, or someone who’s had to make all the decisions needing to let someone else take over the reins for a while.) Or, yes, even just sex.
This topic piqued my interest, so I called one of my guy friends for his opinion. Before I met him, he had an affair with one of his boyfriend’s work colleagues. According to him, it wasn’t about sex at all. It was about desire. He and his boyfriend had been hot and heavy at first, but over time it had stagnated. When he met this other guy, he says, “I realized how much I missed that feeling of wanting someone and being wanted in return. It was intoxicating.”
Does that make him a bad boyfriend? Hell to the yes. But does it make him a bad friend? A bad artist? A bad musician or brother or neighbor or account executive? No way.
Which brings me around to John Edwards. He had an affair, not once, but twice. He committed the ultimate betrayal on his family. Dude, what was he thinking? Or was he even thinking at all? But being a bad husband doesn’t make him a bad human being, or a bad father, or a bad politician.
When I vote to elect an official, my primary objective is to elect the best representative for my government–not to elect the best husband. I want someone who can lower taxes and provide affordable healthcare to those who need it. Someone who will fund education and is an advocate of music and literacy programs. So if my choice is between someone who can do all that, but can’t seem to keep his pants on, and someone who’s faithful to his wife, but will inevitably screw everyone else in my city or state or country with tax hikes and budget cuts, I’m choosing the cheater. Doesn’t mean I think his actions are A-OK, just that I’m able to overlook his personal weaknesses in favor of his political strengths.
I sympathize with all parties involved, especially Elizabeth Edwards, whom the media and the majority of the American population have victimized twice-over these last few weeks, first in regards to her health and then in regards to her marriage and family. I imagine it’s got to be a real pain in the derriere to keep your wits about you when everyone and their dog is going on about how sad and painful and embarrassing your situation is. Like that time in 9th grade when I inadvertently lost my top in front of the whole school and people kept walking up to me and saying things like, “OMG, that must have been so embarrassing! I bet you wish everyone would forget it ever happened!” “Yes, it was. Thank you for bringing it up.” It’s almost as if we the people can’t help ourselves. We spot someone’s Achilles’ heel and we can’t stop ourselves from wanting to poke it to see how they react. I’m not saying I’m the exception to this–I’m not. I get a sick thrill out of watching a trainwreck unfold as much as anyone. But it’s still a little unnerving that enough of us seek entertainment in the misfortune of others to warrant the exploitation of what should have been kept a private matter between just the two of them.
August 18th, 2008 at 1:17 pm
I think people make mistakes. In that same vein, I don’t think adultery is de facto a sign that someone lacks integrity. I do think repeated adultery is. I think lying is. In some ways, I think staying married to someone for the “kids’ sake” is weakness, albeit in some ways it is also indicative of loyalty and love. Life is complicated and so are all these issues. My “friend’s” mother stayed with her husband for the kids sake, and I know my “friend’s” kids think it was a mistake. But it was a mistake not without its benefits, too.
Regarding Edwards, I guess I’ll just repeat: I think repeated adultery and lying is a sign that someone lacks integrity.
Great post, Misa.
August 18th, 2008 at 2:18 pm
Cheating is cheating and the sign of an underlying problem. Sure, the grass is always greener on the other side and the thrill of falling in love is great, but being a grown-up means denying yourself stuff sometimes for the better of others, especially your family. Your wife (or husband) can’t help if they are not exciting and new. Just remember, you’re not so exciting and new either after years of marriage.